Building Personal Relationships

• Never criticize, condemn or complain:
  • People very rarely criticize themselves, no matter how wrong they may be. Your criticism will not be welcome.

"I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.” – Ben Franklin 

• Criticism puts others on the defensive, hurts self-esteem and builds resentment. Criticism is futile.
• Positive Reinforcement works better. Example: Reprimanding soldiers for not wearing their helmets is less effective than asking if the helmets are uncomfortable and reminding them that the hats were designed for their protection.

• Become genuinely interested in other people.
  • People are most interested in themselves. If you share that interest, they will respond.
  • If you talk to people about themselves, they will keep listening and listening.
  • Remember birthdays and other important personal details.

• Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
  • Find the interests of others and talk about those things.
  • Begin any conversation disscussing the other’s interests and you’ll find them to be much more open to suggestion.
  • If you know nothing of their interests, try to ask intelligent questions about their interests. Perhaps ask for the story of how they developed those interests.

• Be a good listener. 
  • Give other’s your exclusive attention.
    • Urge others to talk about themselves.
    • Ask pointed questions.
    • By simply listening and asking questions, others will think you are a great conversationalist.
  • Listen to others’ concerns/complaints, you will ease tension and build relationships.
    • Be eager to hear from those who may complain about you or your those you represent, however wrong those complaints may be.
    • Impress upon them how eager you are to hear them.
    • Thank them for bringing up their concerns.

• Make the other person feel important.
  • People yearn to feel important and appreciated.
  • Continually recognizing someone’s expertise and capabilities will make them feel important. They will want to demonstrate their expertise by possibly helping you.

“I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.” – Charles Schwab. 

• Give others clear authority over a part of a larger project and help them understand their tangible contributions. They’ll become more committed to the success of the project.
• Be sincere and avoid flattery. However, obvious, over-the-top flattery can often win smiles and carry the same favor as if it were sincere.

• Use Names whenever possible.
  • People love hearing thier names, it’s a favorite word.
  • Remember someone’s name and a few personal details.

• Smile.
  • Greet others with enthusiasm and animation.
  • A smile tells others that you like them and are glad to see them.
  • Smile even when on the phone; the smile will be clear in the tone of your voice.

Establish a Space for Cooperation

• Avoid arguments: you can only lose.
  • Most arguments end with each contestant more certain of their opinions and less willing to change them.
  • Even if you win, you hurt the pride of the loser and the loser may resent you for it.

“If you argue, rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory, because you will never get your opponent’s good will.” – Ben Franklin

• A Guide to avoiding arguments:

1. Welcome disagreements. .
2. Stay calm.
3. Listen first. Hear others out.
4. Identify areas of agreement.
5. Admit your errors to make it easier for others to admit theirs.
6. If no there is resolution to be found, delay action and promise to explore the alternative perspective further.

• Begin in a friendly way.
  • Opening conversations with sincere praise, appreciation and/or sympathy will disarm your conversation partner.
  • Beginning with a friendly tone will free the others to be more open minded.
  • Example: One fellow who couldn’t afford his rent increase invited his landlord over for the closing inspection. The tenant complimented the landlord on the building’s location, good management and gave the landlord a sympathetic ear for his problems with other tenants. After only casually mentioning he couldn’t afford the increased rent, the landlord reduced the rent without having been asked directly.

• Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
  • Especially when angry, allow others to finish talking themselves out.
  • Don’t interrupt. Others won’t pay attention to you until they’ve had thier own say.

• Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
  • Most people hunger for sympathy.
  • Sympathize truthfully: “If I were you, I’d feel the same way under your circumstances.” Follow up statements might be:
    • “How could they do that to you?”
    • “You poor thing.”
    • “After you sacrificed so much.”
  • Example: A hotel had to inconvenience their guests as the escalator repaired for 8 hours. In order to get the hotel manager to consent to the repairs, the repair company reclassified their work as preventative maintenance that would prevent a eventual two week shut down in the future.

• Respect others’ opinions. Never say, "You’re wrong."
  • People don’t like to admit even to themselves that may be wrong, but when handled gentlely they can overcome that hesitancy.
  • Telling others they are wrong:
    • may be considered a putdown to their intelligence.
    • often pushes them to defend and further embrace their positions.
  • Body language can also communicate "you’re wrong."
  • Don’t immediately assume you’re right. Demonstrating your willingness to rationally examine the facts will inspire others to do likewise.

• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and dramatically.
  • If another is about to criticize you, don’t let them start!
    • People often enjoy criticizing others to promote their own righteousness. Once started, the other party may expand their critique to include unrelated subject areas.
    • The negative emotions may be long remembered and could damage relationships in the long-term.
  • A harsh self-rebuke may prompt the other party to soften their critique; however, too many exaggerated, harsh self-rebukes will lead the other to question your sincerity.
  • Admitting your errors clears guilt and frees everyone to move toward solutions more quickly.

• Try to honestly see things from the other person’s point of view.
  • Understanding another’s point of view and motivation is the key to understanding their decisions and personality.
  • Ask yourself:
    • Why would someone want to do as I ask?
    • Is there some point of information we are interpreting differently?
  • Example: A group of boy scouts may ignore a no camp fires rule, believing that they can responsibly construct and put out a camp fire safely. A park ranger could demand the group adhere to the rules, but would get better results by acknowledging the scouts’ point of view.  He could point out that while the scouts know what they’re doing, other groups are not as careful. The scouts’ fires could lead irresponsible people to start fires as well.

• Frame requests in terms of what others find motivating.
  • Before attempting to drive someone to action, ask yourself, “How do I make this person want to do it?”

“If there is any one secret to success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own.” – Henry Ford 

• Example: Rather than force his young son to go to kindergarten, one man’s family began engaging in kindergarten activities – finger painting, etc. – while excluding the young child. After seeing all the exciting things he would be doing in kindergarten, the child was eager to go.
• Example: In the following letter, a freight company details their difficulties, while disregarding the inconvenience their changes might cause their customers. After having the reverse effect from what was intended, a second letter was sent, which spoke in terms of what were the customers’ best interests.

Example: Letter Comparison

Original Letter

Gentlemen:

The operations at our outbound-rail-receiving station are handicapped because a material percentage of the total business is delivered to us in the late afternoon. This condition results in congestion, overtime on the part of our forces, delays to trucks and in some cases delays to freight. On November 10, we received from your company a lot of 510 pieces, which reached here at 4:20 P.M.

We solicit your cooperation toward overcoming the undesirable effects arising form the late receipt of freight. May we ask that, on days on which you ship the volume which was received on the above date, effort be made either to get the truck here earlier or to deliver us part of the freight during the morning.

The advantage would be that of more expeditious discharge of your trucks and the assurance that your business would go forward on the date of its receipt.

Very truly yours,

— Bla Bla

Revised Example Letter

Dear Mr. V,

Your company has been one of our good customers for fourteen years. Naturally, we are very grateful for your patronage and are eager to give you the speedy, efficient service you deserve. However, we regret to say that it isn’t possible for us to do that when your trucks bring us a large shipment late in the afternoon, as they did on November 10. Why? Because many other customer make late afternoon deliveries also. Naturally, that causes congestion. That means your trucks are held up unavoidably at the pier and sometimes even your freight is delayed.

That’s bad, but it can be avoided. If you make your deliveries at the pier in the morning when possible, your trucks will be able to keep moving, your freight will get immediate attention, and our workers will get home early at night to enjoy a dinner of the delicious macaroni and noodles that you manufacture.

Regardless of when your shipments arrive, we shall always cheerfully do all in our power to serve you promptly.

You are busy. Please don’t trouble to answer this note.

Yours truly,

— Bla Bla

Closing the Deal

• Get the other person saying "yes, yes" as soon as possible.
  • Emphasize things all parties already agree on.
  • As Socrates suggested, win one concession after another until, without realizing it, your opponent is forced to agree to a position that would have otherwise been fiercely rejected.
  • In today’s information dense environment, we actively seek to reject proposals and information. Getting others to say yes immediately drives momentum in the direction of acceptance.

• Dramatize your ideas.
  • It helps to make a visual, visceral demonstration of your ideas:
    • When presenting a competitive assessment of MP3 players, bring the competitors’ products to your meeting.
    • When selling an anti-theft devices for cars, a dramatic video demonstrating the experience of getting one’s car stolen will help sales.

• Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
  • People are more committed to their own ideas. 
  • Make suggestions and let others come to the desired conclusions.
  • It may be in your best interest not to claim any credit.

• Appeal to the nobler motives.
  • People often have multuple reasons for doing something. At least one will sound good as an external justification. The real reasons may often be hidden. Appeal to the one that sounds good.
  • Example: As a tenant gives notice that he is preparing to break his lease, his landlord praises the tenant’s good character. The landlord insists the tenant is a man of his word and will live up to the terms of the lease he signed.
  • Example 2: A celebrity wanted to avoid having an unflattering photo published. He asked the paper who owned the photo not to publish it, as his mother disliked the picture.

• Throw down a challenge.
  • Stimulate competition among co-workers.
  • Challenge someone’s capabilities/self-perceptions.
    • To a body builder: “Is he strong enough to get the job done?”
    • To help persuade a job applicant to take the job “This job will require someone really motivated to succeed, it isn’t a position for everyone.”

Leadership: Giving Criticism & Driving Improvement

• Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
  • It is easier to take criticism after we’ve heard some praise.
  • Look for things done well before calling attention to failings.
  • Follow up sincere praise with an “and” rather than a “but” before delivering criticism. Otherwise, your praise may seem contrived and artificial.
    • Example: Instead of, “We’re proud of your grades son, but if you had tried better in algebra they would be a lot better” to “We’re proud of your grades son, and if you keep it up you’re algebra grades will be even better next semester.”

• Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
  • The pain of criticism is easier to bear when you share your own mistakes.
  • The others will be more motivated to correct themselves.

• Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
  • Direct, harsh criticism can destroy incentive to improve.
  • Possible Method: Asking the other party to consider alternative points of view, i.e. “Is this process the most efficient way to get the job done?” and “I wonder how user-friendly this feature will be.”
  • Possible Method: Rather than pointing out a sales clerk’s inattentiveness toward customers, a store manager might help out the customer in full view of the inattentive sales clerk.
  • Possible Method: Instead of “Your idea isn’t very good,” “This idea may not work in the present environment.”  It isn’t the work/idea that is flawed; it’s the environment’s fault. Don’t be too obvious.

• Let the other person save face.
  • By not giving the others a chance to avoid embarrassment, they may become defensive and work hard to avoid admitting their failings.
  • Damaging someone’s ego will build resentment in the long rung.
  • Always try to give criticism in private. Don’t make the individual look bad in front of his/her peers.
  • Example: Instead of demoting someone, change his or her title and responsibilities – a lateral move that avoids a very public embarrassment.

• Make the fault seem easy to correct. Use encouragement.
  • You can enable others to succeed by making faults seem easy to correct and new skills seem easy to learn.

• Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
  • Praise will reinforce the growth of desired behavior and bad habits “will atrophy due to lack of attention.”
  • Try to be as specific as possible – it should come from the heart and be completely sincere.

“Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.” – Dale Carnegie 

• Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
  • Example: “Matt, you have been such a capable producer in the past, but your recent projects hasn’t been up to your old standards.”
  • Showing others that you respect their capabilities in some capacity is empowering and earns you their respect.

Leadership: Motivating Others

• Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
  • Example: “Would it make sense to organize these alphabetically?” instead of direct orders to organize alphabetically.
  • Others are more motivated and more likely to contribute in unexpected ways than if you had given them direct orders.

• Try to make the other person happy about doing things you suggest.
  • Do this by using the any techniques discussed earlier. Examples:
    • Make one feel too important to do something you’d prefer they didn’t do.
    • Ask someone if they would be willing to accept an important role, even when you know they would jump at the chance.
    • Give others titles and authority toward completing your goals, fueling their perceptions of self-worth as they complete the tasks you’ve given them.

• Step by Step Guide: 

1. Be Sincere. Don’t promise things you can’t do or deliver.
2. Know preciesly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be Empathetic. Ask yourself what others want.
4. Focus on any benifits the other person will receive. Forget about the benefits to yourself.
5. Explain how those benefits match the other person’s wants.
6. Frame requests to communicate that the other person will personally benefit. Example: “John, clean the stock room now.” Vs “John, if we clean the stock room now we won’t have to deal with it later.”

How To Tease Your Girlfriend

"How should a guy tease a woman once in a relationship with her?"

The answer is quite simple. You do the same things you’ve always done…except for ONE thing:

You now only tease her ALONE, but not in front of other people.

When you’re courting a woman, you should tease her in front of other people so that you’ll raise your own social proof, lower her social proof, and also act like a challenge.

But that changes once you get into a relationship with a woman. If you tease your girlfriend in front of other people, it will seem like you’re putting her down. It will appear you care more about your buddies (or other women in the room) than you care about her.

At the same time, you don’t want to stop teasing her because you don’t want the attraction to drop. So the solution is to do it when there aren’t any other people nearby. Make the teasing part of the "bubble" that is around the two of you. Make it seem like you tease her because you’re STILL in love with her.

Here’s one rule you can go by:

Compliment her when you’re in front of other people, and tease her when you’re alone!

How To Prevent Your Girlfriend From Cheating On You

I am often asked, "How can I prevent a girl from cheating on me?"

To be honest with you, the best tip I can give you
is to avoid going out with the WRONG girl in the first place.

The likelihood of a woman cheating on you will be mostly based on her CHARACTER, which is something you cannot change.

Some women have a higher "threshold for cheating" while others have a lower ones. With women who are NOT likely to cheat in the first place, it will take a lot of temptation for her to fool around your back. And even if she does, she will probably break up with you before she starts dating the other guy instead of sleeping with him behind your back.

But with a girl who has a low threshold for cheating. It may only a couple of drinks before they are ready to drop their pants for the first guy who hits on them.

So…if you don’t want a woman who may cheat on you, then don’t go out with a woman who’s prone to cheating in the first place.

If you date a "party girl", a woman with excessive baggage, or a woman who has cheated on other guys before, then don’t get upset when she cheats on YOU.

And if you steal a woman from another guy, understand that another guy can also steal her from you.

What goes around DOES come around.

Lastly…

Once you’ve found a woman with good character, you can prevent her from cheating on you by keeping the attraction high.

The more a woman is attracted to you, the more she will respect you romantically. And the more a woman respects you romantically, the less likely she will cheat on you.

>>RIGHT??

6 Ways To A Smoother Relationship

1) Watch Body Language

Learn to know your girlfriend’s / boyfriend’s mood and state by watching her / his body language. For example, can you tell she’s / he’s uncomfortable at a party by the way she sits or stands? Can you tell if she’s / he’s nervous or not?

2) Listen

A big problem some couples have is that they stop listening to each other once the initial excitement of a relationship is gone. If you can’t spare some time each day to listen to someone you love, even if it’s just 30 minutes, maybe you don’t need a girlfriend / boyfriend after all.

3) Be Patient

A complaint from their girlfriends talk a long time to "get to the point." For example, your girlfriend may tell you about her entire day at work before making a point…and even then, her point may be something silly and not worth mentioning at all…

Solution? Just listen!

4) Care About The Details

A good way to show affection is by showing concern for the finer "details" of life. Don’t just ask her / him how her / his day was. Ask her / his about the specific things that are going in her / his life.

5) Don’t Jump In With Solutions

When your girlfriend / boyfriend is upset or sad, don’t jump in with solutions. Chances are, she’s / he’s just blowing up steam. Generally, men want solutions when they vent; women want a shoulder to cry on and a hug.

6) Keep Flirting

And of course…don’t forget to keep flirting with your girlfriend / boyfriend and acting like a challenge to keep the attraction high. Because once the attraction is dead, the relationship is going to go downhill.

<bi i think is TRUE! - very true. hahahahaha - what do you think?>

Maturity in Relationships

If you’re currently in a relationship, I have two
questions to ask:

1) How mature are you?

2) how mature is your partner?

Maturity is an important factor that often makes or breaks a relationship. If the "maturity gap" between a couple is too great, there’ll be a lot of problems with the relationship.

For example, if a man is interested in raising a family while a woman is still in the "I want to party every Friday night and dance with my girl friends" stage, chances are, things are not going to work out in the long-run.

Or, if a woman wants to focus on building a future while the man still acts like a college boy and plays video games for 6 hours a day, sooner or later she’ll think he’s a loser and leave for a more ambitious man. (It happen all the time…)

Of course, you may be thinking, or ask me "if this is a problem…how did they get together in the first place?"

Well, first of all, in the short-term, attraction is the biggest factor. If two people are attracted to each other, they will not care about maturity as much. But once they get into a relationship, "Character" and "Intimacy" will come into play. A huge "maturity gap" between the couple will lead to little arguments, which over time will lower the attraction and kill the relationship.

Secondly, people change. Just because your girlfriend was an innocent, trouble-free girl two years ago doesn’t mean she will still be the same person in two more years. As humans, we’re constantly growing up and re-evaluating our goals and values in different areas of our lives - if we’re not lazy "losers" anyway.

For example, a common "complaint" from guys is that they get dumped after their girlfriends enter college or get a new job. Does it mean these women are "liars" who didn’t keep their love vows?

I don’t think so. They have just moved on to a new stage of their lives. The guys should do the same and see what’s out there instead of just clinging on to their pasts. We all have to grow up some time.

How about you? Are you AHEADor are you BEHIND?

If you’re WAY ahead, then be patient. Think about the relationship and see if it fits your life-long goals. Don’t try to change your partner. It won’t work. People have to mature on their own. Sort out your own priorities and see if this relationship is actually good for you.

And if you are WAY behind your girlfriend, then you’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

A LOT of catching up…

Remember the golden rule:

Grow together, and you’ll have a better chance of staying together.

Forevermore

There are times when I just want to look at your face
With the stars in the night
There are times when I just want to feel your embrace
In the cold night
I just can’t believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can’t compare you with anything in this world
You’re all I need to be with forevermore

All those years I’ve longed to hold you in my arms
I’ve been dreaming of you
Every night I’ve been watching all the stars that fall down
Wishing you will be mine now
I just can’t believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can’t compare you with anything in this world
You’re all I need to be with forevermore

Time and again there are these changes
That we cannot end
As sure as time keeps going on and on
My love for you will be forevermore

I just can’t believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can’t compare you with anything in this world

As endless as forever
Our love will stay together
You are all I need to be with forevermore

As endless as forever(forever)
Our love will stay together(together)
You are all I need to be with forevermore